How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

First, let’s define boundaries. Simply put, a boundary is a limit we set in relationship with others. A boundary can vary between each and every individual, as different people can have different limitations. For example, one person may love giving hugs, including strangers, but another person may not prefer to have close physical contact with someone they don’t know.

Someone with healthy boundaries is able to communicate their limits, and say no or yes, depending on what they need. They recognize where their boundaries are, and take steps to honor them. Someone with unhealthy boundaries may look two ways: they say yes when they really want to say no, and vice versa, or they avoid intimacy with others and keep people at such a distance that they struggle to form close relationships.

Setting healthy boundaries is essential not only to having healthy relationships, but also in honoring our feelings, needs, and limitations.

So how do you set a boundary?

First step: Identify your limits and needs.

This may sound very simple, but many people have the tendency to ignore their inner voice that says they need X, or are not okay with Y, in order to make other people happy, not upset someone, not make waves, etc.

It’s important to note that your needs are important. And as humans, we all have our limitations. When we don’t honor those limitations, we set ourselves on a fast track to burnout and unsatisfying / draining relationships.

Spend some time reflecting what your needs are in a relationship, and define your limits and the things you’re okay and not okay with.

Second step: Communicate your boundary in direct, respectful language.

Say for example, your roommate keeps drinking your orange juice. And you identified that, “I don’t like it when people eat my food/drinks without asking.” At that point, setting a boundary would mean talking to your roommate directly (no passive-aggressive post-it notes to bug off from your OJ!) and letting them know how you feel.

Ideally, you would use I-language (I think, I feel, etc), and avoid using you-language, as this can come off as attacking. So using the OJ scenario, you tell your roommate, “Hey, I’ve been noticing you’ve been drinking my orange juice. I feel bothered when people use my stuff without asking, so I’m wondering if you’d be able to ask next time you want something of mine.”

By saying it in this way, you are respectful of the other person, but also making it clear what you’re not okay with and what you need.

Third step: Maintain your boundary.

This might be the hardest step for a lot of people. That’s because people don’t always respect our boundary, even when we’ve tried our best to be direct and respectful about it. When we set a boundary, people might get annoyed, angry, or even start verbally attacking. Sometimes in those moments, it feels easier to give in, or to just avoid setting boundaries again.

But it is vital for you to maintain your boundary. Again, your needs are important. Someone has the right to feel whatever they feel, but we always have the right to set a boundary.

Also, when people begin to show a pattern of not acknowledging our boundaries or worse, disrespecting them, this gives us very valuable information about the person. If a person has a tendency of not honoring your boundaries, you have the right at that point to decide how close you want that person in your life. It’s important to view someone’s reaction to our boundaries not as something that “we did,” but more about what that says about them and their ability to respect boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be hard, but it’s a very valuable relationship and life skill that will serve you in all types of settings (friendships, dating, career, etc). At the end of the day, it’s important for you to have your own back, and setting boundaries is a valuable part of taking care of yourself.