Signs of a Potentially Unhealthy Relationship

Are you having a hard time figuring out whether or not a particular relationship or friendship you’re in is unhealthy? Here I’ve comprised a few things to consider in your process.  

This is by no means a comprehensive list, as there are a myriad of factors to consider when determining if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. But this may be a good starting point as you reflect on the relationship, and begin to discern whether or not the relationship is right for you.

Lack of trust – Do you have a hard time trusting the person? Do you or the other person have a tendency to engage in controlling behaviors to alleviate doubt or insecurity? Trust is a keystone of any healthy relationship; so, if you do not feel a sense of trust between each other and/or are consistently feeling a sense of doubt about the person, this may be a sign of trust issues in the relationship.

Lack of safety – Do you feel physically safe with the person? Do you feel emotionally safe? If your answer to one or both of these questions is no, then it’s a strong possibility that the relationship may not be healthy. When someone exposes us to an unsafe environment, this can typically cross into abusive territory (i.e., physical abuse, emotional abuse, etc). A sense of safety is essential for a healthy relationship.

Lack of respect – As with the previous two, respect is another key component of a healthy relationship. Does the person respect you as an individual with your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs? Or does the person verbally attack, demean, blame, or shame you for any of those things? When there is a lack of respect between one or both parties, this often sets the stage for a contemptuous, divisive relationship.

Enmeshment – There is the wide known concept of “two becomes one” when we talk about love or relationships. Many people may have different perspectives on this, however my thought on this concept is that some interpretations of it may not always necessarily be healthy. Instead, it is important to know that in a relationship, it is two individuals coming together to create their own unique entity. Think of it as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Jelly doesn’t become peanut butter, or vice versa. They combine together with each of their unique elements to create something great (and yummy).

So on the flip side, if you’re finding in the relationship that you’re losing touch with your own sense of individual self, and merging yourself into what that person wants/needs, then it may be a sign for you to step back and re-assess. Although there is nothing wrong with people influencing one another (on the contrary, this is one of the great things about a relationship), it’s when it crosses into unhealthy territory, i.e., losing our own identity, that can potentially run us into trouble.

Over-dependence – In the same vein of enmeshment, while dependence is a part of any healthy relationship, too much can be a signal of unhealthy relationship dynamics. For example, are you or the other person finding yourselves depending on the other to always make each other happy? Do you or the other person hold the expectation that the other will fill all your needs and desires? If this is the case, these high expectations can put heavy strain on the relationship, making it difficult to sustain for the long term.

Underlying these expectations is a difficulty to take individual responsibility for one’s own emotional health. As counterintuitive as it may seem, it is very important in any relationship for both parties to be able to maintain individual responsibility of their health and needs. Of course support is a part of every relationship, but think of this more as a person building their house, and their partner joining in the process to help… in contrast to a person depending on the other person to build their house for them.

Persistent feelings of dissatisfaction – this may not always be a sign of an unhealthy relationship, and could indicate a variety of other things. But in unhealthy relationships, often one or both people are feeling unhappy or dissatisfied in some way. If you are feeling persistently dissatisfied in the relationship, it could be a sign that something in the relationship is awry and not working for you. At that point, it is good to reflect further into those feelings and come to an understanding in how you would like to move forward.

One of the things I often teach my clients is to ask themselves the question, “Is this ultimately helping me, or hurting me?” In the context of a relationship, you may find that there are aspects about the relationship that are good for you and those that are hurting you—as any relationship is rarely 100% bad or good. But it is up to you to determine if the relationship veers into unhealthy territory, and if it is one that will or will not work for you. You have a right to consider your needs and boundaries, and to adjust the relationships in your life accordingly.